I am forbidden

I need to transition. 

I stand in front of a mirror and cannot bear the thought of being “feminine” again. I can’t grow my hair, I don’t want to pluck my eyebrows. I don’t want to wax.

I see a guy.

I feel like a guy.

I am a guy.

My mom is going to freak out in ways I can’t begin to understand, and I wish I didn’t have to tell her, in fact I will (and been doing it) keep it from her as long as I can. I will wait, and when I’m ready to lose her, I will tell her, even if I never feel like it, I will talk to her at some point. I just can’t keep doing this, I can’t keep hiding this. It feels as if two people were living within me, the girl everyone wants me to be and the boy I feel I am.

I hate this situation but I’ve learned to live with it.

I just know I need to transition.

19

I lost you,
somehow,
in the mist of a revolution that never was,
of changes that never came.
You lost me,
slowly, hesitantly.

Let me find you, let me see you once again
we can walk, laugh and dance
there will be a kiss,
a hug.
the farewell.

Is it my fault?
A silent “let me go” was all it took
for me to realize
it wasn’t enough.
Trial and error,
my love,
and a list of unimportant things
a fatal mistake.

I am leaving.

Won’t you let me see you again?

look at me,
farewell.

With twilight as My guide.

It’s been awhile. Some things are different, some remain the same.

I’m going back to The States in a month, which is great, I spent the last couple of years wanting nothing but going back. Everything’s paid for, paperwork came out great, and I feel ready. A bit scared, but ready.

I’ve decided not to go through the whole hormone replacement treatment. I can’t do it. It’d be too much for my mom and I honestly can’t even imagine making her feel like that. I guess I can live with being a girl, it’s been like this for 20+ years, nothing needs to change. 

I pray now. I pray a lot. I pray for things I never thought I’d be praying, but it gives me peace. Helped me stop feeling so lonely, like I used to feel, and brought hope into my life again.

Maybe that’s all I need for now, hope

Life

I went to church last week

it all felt awkward and uncomfortable. I kept thinking everyone was looking at me in weird ways but then the pastor said something about wishing your neighbor well and a guy hugged me and said “jesus loves you and will do great things for you”

at one point i started crying because it was like going home after years of absence and not knowing what to do. i couldn’t feel what i used to feel and all i kept thinking was that i was the odd out, i was the gay one and everyone was judging me. i’m sure i was wrong, i hope i was.

i don’t think i’ll be going back anytime soon, though…

i feel like in order to feel welcomed again i need to be something i am not, or hide my true self with girls clothes and make up.

by the way, i got a new haircut yesterday, and a tattoo today! looks pretty awesome.

i wish i didn’t need to hide from everyone, my mom mostly. every time she looks at me i think she feels disappointed i am not feminine, or that i don’t have a boyfriend.

anyway, gotta keep fighting, one day things will be better.

The Boy with the Thorn in His Side Read

Behind the hatred there lies
A murderous desire for love

How can they look into my eyes
And still they don’t believe me?
How can they hear me say those words
And still they don’t believe me?
And if they don’t believe me now
Will they ever believe me?

Mom’s going to church today. I wanted to say I’d like to join in but I guess I’m scared.

For the last couple of years I grew apart of my beliefs, I denied God and his existence, I refused to believe in a religion that wouldn’t accept me for who I was, even if I wasn’t sure I accepted myself.

Sometimes I miss the warmth, the people, how safe I felt knowing God would always take care of me, which is funny keeping in mind at that time I’d live my life pretending to be something else.

My friends would say: “You need to be the one in charge of your present and your future, don’t leave it in the hands of something you don’t know if exists” But before coming to terms with myself about my Bisexual and Transgender nature, I knew he existed, I was certain of it, so why don’t I now?

When my mom told me she’d rather have a drug addict as a child rather than a Gay one I wondered where was God at that time; when I slit my wrists and got so wasted that I could even remember my name I wondered: where are you God, now? When I felt alone, broken and suicidal I told myself he wasn’t real, I swore I’d never put myself in a position where someone or something could decide if I get to live or not, if I get to be saved, forgiven, or condemned to hell for an eternity. I told myself “If God was real he’d be proud that I get to love and be loved by someone, He wouldn’t hate me and say it is wrong”

But I do miss him. I told a friend about this and she said I need to do whatever feels right.

I still think if I go to church people will judge me. I just wish I didn’t have to hide behind a perfect picture to satisfy others perspective on what’s good and what’s not.

What if He’s ignoring me because of who I am? What if my mom’s right and I need to change, and make things right? Sometimes I think I was happier with him in my life, even if I had to pretend, or maybe I’m just miserable now and everything looks the same.

Protège Moi.

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t want to be saved. I’m falling deeper and deeper into this sea of nothingness that used to scare me but it doesn’t anymore. At least it’s quiet, at least my mind can rest from all the questions I cannot answer.

I’m questioning whether going back to the states will help me or will make things worse. Here I’d transition, it’s free and legal, but transitioning will, on the other hand, cost me my relationship with my mother. At the same time I fear if I go back to the states I won’t be able to do anything about it for a couple of years because anything health related costs way too much when you are a foreigner student.

I guess my biggest fear is to meet someone while in this female body, fall in love, build a life and family around that and then wake up feeling like I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to put anyone through that, I think it’s something only “I” can do (if that makes sense)

I fear losing people I love, I fear rejection and loneliness.

I am lonely now, even though I am not alone.

Sometimes I wish those dreams were true, drowning seems peaceful.

Who are You?

If you ask me, I’d tell you my name and my age, but that’d be it. 

I would feel anxious and avoid all types of meaningful conversations with you out of fear of you asking me what actually means being me. 

The truth is, I don’t know. 

I know my name, I know my age and where I’m from but I can tell you that this is not my home, this is not my place and I’m not this person. 

I’m sad and lonely, but I do have friends and a good family. I am depressed, and angry with myself because I can’t let go of things. 

I’m scared of doing what feels right and lose my mom, being pointed out on the streets, and laughed at. 

I’m tired…